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"You've Got To Be Kidding Me!"

My Life With Joe
The other day, I went to Panera Bread, who has an unlimited coffee subscription for $8.99 per month (with the first three months for free).* I noticed this humongous SUV that was taking up several parking spots. The driver parked this way so that the car was completely underneath the shade of a tree. I decided to take a photograph to text to my husband, so I leaned against my car and pretended** that I was text messaging.*** Then, I went inside and ordered a cup of coffee and a salad. Except that there was literally not a single available table, inside or out, and several tables that were marked “do not sit” that people ignored due to the fact that there was literally not a single available table.
* This is not a paid sponsorship.
** I was texting messaging.
*** I was probably extremely obvious that I was taking the picture. But whatevs.
Let’s Fight Over A Table
You want me to do what, now? In your dreams.
Coffee Shop Stink Eye
So me being me, I asked for to-go container for the soup. After hearing my plight, the manager makes a round to look for a table for me and then tells the person preparing food to put my soup into a to-go container. The person preparing food obviously needed someone to tell her to do that because she didn’t just hear me say that there weren’t any available tables and I would appreciate a to-go container.
For some unknown reason, the manager goes to the back area (where there are tables), and she tells me that one is available. I take my coffee and rush over to claim it, and the manager follows closely behind me to bring me out my food. Something, btw, that Panera Bread used to do for every order but no longer does.
A man who was waiting for an open table and decided to grab said table (but was too slow), said very, very, very loudly, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” He then throws up his hands and very, very, very dramatically huffs back to the table he was previously at, which wasn’t actually available but he pretends he doesn’t see the “don’t sit here” sign that is very, very, very prominently displayed.
He also gives me the stink eye. The coffee shop stink eye.****
At any rate, I offered to let him sit with me, which he not so very, very, very graciously accepted. We make nice-nice, he introduces himself, I introduce myself, then we pretend that he didn’t have a coffee shop temper tantrum.
He then tells me the story about how he parked his humongous SUV underneath a tree and waited for Panera Bread to have tables available.
Just remember, folks, take lots of pictures not-so-very-very-very secretly because you never know when you’ll invite the person whose picture you just took to sit with you at Panera Bread.
**** Totally random fact, but I just looked up “coffee shop stink eye” and came up with Smelly Cat Coffeeshop. Also, if you want some coffee, consider buying Grounds & Hounds as they donate to organizations that help doggies and kitties. Seriously, what could be better??? Coffee and Doggies??? omg wtf lol and whatever three letter acronym you can think of. gtfo. Oh, wait, that’s four letters.
This newsletter, I am featuring A Portrait of Memories by Hesham N. Ali. It looks very good. The description: “Both twin brothers, Gabriel and Lucifer, mysteriously wake up in separate rooms with different colored doors. Whenever they would open the doors and walk through, they would cross paths again in memories after memories.”
I just finished the third season of Goliath. I heard that Goliath was renewed for a fourth season, and the third season ended on a good cliffhanger. That’s all I’ll spoil about it. The season itself was just meh (after last season’s debauchery of stupidity), and I hope the fourth and final season will actually be as good as the first. Because, you know, Billy Bob. It’s all about Billy Bob.
I am reading Daily Rituals: How Artists Work, which was a book that learned about from Nathaniel Drew on YouTube. He tried out Pablo Picasso’s daily life, which, spoiler, meant getting up at 11 in the morning and going to bed around 3 to 4 in the morning. And painting all the time in between. That sounds so very, very, very exhausting. In fact, I am exhausted just thinking about it.
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Maureen Gil
Maureen Gil @joepawdog

A funny bi-weekly newsletter from author Maureen Gil. Features her dog, Joe Paw the Boston Terrier

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